Bad Buddhist by Meshel Laurie

Author:Meshel Laurie
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Schwartz Publishing Pty. Ltd

BEST LAID

Plans

So I’m getting divorced, which in my case isn’t as dramatic or tearful as it sounds. I mean, it’s been devastating at times, but on a day-to-day level it’s a practical, list-driven mundanity. Have you booked a removalist? Don’t forget to sign that document. Can you put a rocket up your lawyer, please?

Those are the sorts of boxes we’re ticking as we move towards moving house and living independently of each other for the first time in twenty years. It’s busy work that needs to be done, and it also helps distract us from the things we could really panic about.

People in my life seem to be panicking about one thing on my behalf. It feels like everyone I know is trying to get me laid. Of the many unexpected developments of divorce, this was perhaps the least expected.

My father wants to talk about it, my workmates check my progress daily and my friends contact me with all manner of colourful advice. There’s a lot of ‘get back on the horse’ goodwill out there for a middle-aged divorcée, but for me it sits on a scale between amusingly improbable and downright terrifying.

Towards the terrifying end is the advice of my friend Jackie, who wanted me to take up her new hobby. I was worried it would be golf, but when I heard what it actually was I wished it did involve a cart and funny pants.

Jackie’s hobby is hiring young male escorts. She insisted on sending one to me, which I’m aware makes me sound like a Dornish aristocrat from Game of Thrones. Now I think about it, Jackie has definitely had a more decadent vibe of late. I should have known it wasn’t golf.

I tried to fight her off, but she was adamant it was happening, and what was I going to do? Not open the door to him? I at least owed it to him to let him in. Didn’t I? Plus Jackie had already paid, and I wasn’t sure what kind of returns policy they operated at his agency or wherever he came from.

The anticipation was terrifying, as I’m sure (most of) you can appreciate. But when the moment came and the bought-and-paid-for hunk of spunk was standing at my front door, I felt all my inhibitions leave me and my primal instincts take the driver’s seat. Quite suddenly I knew exactly what I wanted – no, what I needed – him to do for me.

First, I asked him to pleasure me by unstacking the dishwasher and giving the lunch boxes a good going-over with a Chux. Next, a trip to Bunnings, during which my toy boy pushed the trolley and paid for the kids’ sausages before coming straight back home and installing a new storage system for my linen.

The way he got stuck right into it without trying even once to put it off for another day, and cleaned up after himself when he was done – well, it made me feel like a new woman.

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